RANDOM CHICK BLOG

Seriously, what makes you laugh so hard you will pee your pants, shoot coffee out your nose, fall over, or pass out? I’m curious because I think we need more laughter in this world. I absolutely adore making people laugh (even if I have to make an utter fool of myself, which I do quite frequently and quite well). So, would you please indulge me if you visit this here blog every blue moon and let me know what makes you laugh? I will share with you a few things that I find extremely hi-lar-i-ous in hopes that you’ll do the same.

1. Will Ferrell

Anything this man does makes me LOL. Some day I want to meet him in person and spew coffee all over his face. This skit he did with Jeff Goldblume gets me every time I see it, and I don’t even know who Harry Caray is (or was or would have been).

2. Farts

Yes, I am 12 years-old. I can’t help cracking up any time I hear a good fart, or talk about farts, or say the word fart. In fact, I am cracking up right now because I just wrote the word fart. I mean, it’s just funny!!! This video is not only includes farts but also BATHROOM humor…which I also LOVE! Ha ha ha!!

3. Stephen Colbert
Anyone who can take something like politics, religion, or taxes and make us laugh our assess off about how insane we really are, is okay in my book. And yes, he comes AFTER farts. Sorry Stephen. I love it when he interviews people he stays in character but they can’t believe he’s actually saying what he’s saying. Or when he does an in depth expose like the media does. Hi-lar-i-ous! We need more people like this to get us to laugh at ourselves!

4. Anything That is Bizzare

This list can be anything from a cat flushing the toilet to monkey waiters to tampons and vodka to anus bars to wacky job titles to stupid Halloween costumes to bird diapers to terrifying restaurants to extreme ironing to liquid ass. Basically anything that makes you wonder WTF?

5. Humor Bloggers
There are some pretty damn funny writers out there in the blog-o-sphere. Thank GOD for the Internet because it’s as easy as Googling something like “35 year old takes SAT” to find something that will tickle your funny bone. Heretofore are some of the funniest blog posts I’ve read (and you just may enjoy them too):
What Happens When a 35-Year-Old-Man Retakes the SAT?
Woman Verses Food: Attack of the Killer Lettuce
Princess Leia Lost Her Battle with Jenny Craig
My Crowing Glory
Paris Hilton’s Foot Reflexology Chart
Calculating the Velocity of a Toddler: Mass x Acceleration = Insanity

Now that I’ve shared with you what makes me laugh, what makes you laugh? Please share!

Mother’s Day is right around the corner. Yikes!

If you’re still trying to figure out what to get Mom, don’t get anything. There’s already too much crap she has to keep track of (see list below). Better than stuff, do something nice for mom. If you do anything on the list below you’ll earn super massive brownie points from mom, and she might even forget that you threw up into her hands that time you were really sick.

1. Pick up your Legos. Moms really hate getting up in the middle of the night to pee, and while in a zombie-like state, only to have a Ninja Lego dude embedded in her foot.

2. Eat something other than chicken nuggets. PLEEEASE! Moms don’t even think they are real food. The only reason mom feeds them to you is because she’s tired, and trying to come up with a healthy, interesting dinner every night that you will actually eat gives her a migraine.

3. Put your clothes IN THE HAMPER! Mom really does wish you could be the NBA All-Star of Year sometime later in life but for now stop practicing with your dirty clothes and put them IN THE HAMPER. On the floor, two inches just left of the hamper is not close enough.

4. Pretend to like your siblings. Nothing is worse than when you and your brothers or sisters fight, scream, or pull each other’s hair. It won’t kill you if he breathes on you. You won’t lose your eye sight if she takes your plastic dinosaur and puts glitter on it. Mom really does love all of you more than anything but she will leave you in an empty parking lot if you all don’t get along!

5. Try to remember where your crap is. Mom does not know where your Barbie Hair Brush is if you didn’t put it back in the bathroom drawer. She also has no clue where your Star Wars light saber could be since you drag it with you everywhere and suddenly decide to leave it somewhere. Mom is pretty smart and she knows a lot of things but she don’t always know where your crap-du-jour is at every second.

6. Don’t make mom breakfast in bed. Mom actually wants to sleep for the whole day and by the time she actually gets out of bed on Mother’s Day, it will likely be lunch. Just take mom out to lunch instead…somewhere that serves Margaritas.

7. No Spongebob Squarepants or iCarly. Mom is sick of hearing that annoying laugh and the “what-evahs” from precocious tweens. A moratorium on Nickelodeon is now in effect for the next 48 hours. Because mom said so.

8. Do not interrupt adult conversations. Mom loves hearing you express yourself, every minute of every day for the rest of her life but on Mother’s day mom wants to speak to and listen to adults. She would be ever so happy to finish a sentence without you blurting out something like, “My mom drinks lots of wine and takes naps on the floor!” Things that pop into your head should stay there sometimes sweetie.

9. Carry all your stuff. Mom was not born an octopus with eight arms ready to hold her purse, your back pack, grocery bags, soccer balls, base ball bats, coffee, books, papers, ballerina shoes, and other stuff you don’t want to hold. You have two strong arms, hold your own stuff please.

10. Give mom lots of hugs. Mom is strong, over-tired, stressed, happy, worrying, over-caffeinated, multi-tasking, sick, and thinking. She needs lots and lots of hugs. And so do you. Hugs from her family are the best thing a mom could ask for.

Everything else is being made into a musical. Why not Facebook?

Probably because Mark Zuckerberg can’t sing worth sh*t but he can always hire someone to do it for him. Are we ready? Lights, camera…wait, that’s the wrong genre. Lights, curtain, action!

*enter dancing people*

NO! Not those dancing people! Geez.

OMG! Who let Jean-Claude Van Damme in here? Pick up your leg warmers and GET OUT!

Okay, that’s more like it!

*enter Mark Zuckerberg*

To the tune: Control by Janet Jackson
Singing:
This is a story about control. My control. Control of what you say and control of what you do. This time I’m gonna do it my way. I hope you enjoy this as much I do. Are we ready? I am. Because it’s all about control. And I’ve got lots of it.

When I was 17, I did stuff on the computer.
Did stuff because I had no social skills.
But that was a long ago.

Chorus:
I’m in control, never gonna stop.
Control, I got what I want.
Control, I got to have a lot.
Control, cuz you can’t live without Facebook!
*Jazz hands!*
*Curtain*

*Next scene*
*enter Tom Anderson*

To the tune: Hello Again by Neil Diamond

Hello again, Hello!
Just called to say Hello.
I couldn’t sleep at all tonight
Because I have no job.
And I hate Facebook.
Hello my Friend, Hello?

Do I have any friends?
Anyone? Anyone?
I think about you every night
When I’m here alone
And you’re on Facebook…
Hello? Hello? Hello…

*Runs off stage, crying*
*fade to black*
*curtain*

*Next scene*
*enter Larry Page*

To the tune: I Will Survive by Gloria Gaynor
Singing:
At first I was afraid, I was petrified
Thinking I could never live without Google by my side.
But then I spent so many night thinking how he did me wrong
And I grew strong! I learned how to create Google Goggles!

So now he’s back, from IPO.
I just walked in to find him there with all that dough!
I would have made him get a key or made him work for me!
If I’d have know for one second he’d be back to bother me!
OH now go! Walk out the door! Turn around! Your not welcome anymore!

Weren’t you the one who tried to break me with the timeline?
Did you think I’d crumble? Did you think I’d lay down and sell out?
Oh not I! I will survive! As long as I know how to code I’ll be rich!
I’ve got all my life to live! Even without Sheryl Sandberg, I will survive!

I will survive!
*Curtain*

*next scene*
*enter Sheryl Sandberg*

To the Tune: We’re in the Money!
Singing:
I have all the money!
I have all the money!
I’ve got a lot of what it takes to get along!

I have all the money!
The skies are sunny!
You people think it’s Mark Z. but it is really me!

I never see a waiting line
I’m doin’ just fine
Today!
I own Mark Z and he doesn’t
Even know it!

I have all the money!
C’mon honey!
I’ll spend it NEVER lend it!
I’ll be rolling along!
*curtain*

*next scene*
*enter people on Facebook*

To the tune: Brick in the Wall by Pink Floyd
Singing:
We don’t need no education!
We don’t need no thoughts at all!
No dark sarcasm in the classroom.
Teacher leave my wall alone.

HEY! Teacher leave my wall alone!
All in all your just another dropped friend on my wall.

We don’t need no education!
We don’t need thoughts at all!
no dark sarcasm in the classroom!
Teacher leave my wall alone!

HEY! Teacher leave my wall alone!
All in all your just another dropped friend on my wall.
All in all your just another dropped friend on my wall!
*Curtain*

*Finale*
*enter Mark Zuckerberg*

To the tune: Everybody Wants to Rule the World by Tears for Fears
Singing:
Welcome to my life!
There’s no turning back!
Even while you sleep,
You will find me selling your information,
Making millions and millions.

Everybody wants to be in my world!
*curtain*

Because my brain is fried, I had no idea what to write that would leave you laughing so hard you’d wish you were never born. Then I found this gem. A middle-aged platinum blonde chick who thinks she is Shania Twain and Faith Hill but really is a scary Paula Deen look-a-like (and sound-a-like) on crack.

The song is called, “3 Second Rule” but really this video and song is 3 seconds too long. Watch if you dare and then don’t tell me I didn’t warn you about the possibility of throwing up in your mouth a little.

By the way…to all my friends out there, if I EVER get this delusional to think I can be hot in a music video when I’m 62 years old please put me out of my misery and shoot me in head.

Love your job? Hate it? Wish you could shove it up your boss’ you-know-what? Well, just be glad you don’t have any of these job titles because if you did, you might just want to take an early retirement.

Erection Engineer
Seriously? Well, with all the money being plowed into Viagra (pun intended) this makes sense. This is an actual job title with duties that include, “Oversees the major components of an erection.” If you don’t believe me, go here.

Chief Hooker
Even in certain industries you need leaders. What would all the peons do without someone to look up to, right? This job title carries rigorous responsibilities including maintaining “jammer systems” and “log suspensions.” Really.

Knob Head
No, you are! No, YOU ARE! Typically, this is a term you would use whenever someone is being the very top portion of a male genitalia but it is actually a job (not a blow job either). It has something to do with transportation…of what, who knows?

Advanced Scrum Master
Who knew that anyone could be a master of scrum, or master scrum even? Scrum…what is it? Is it related to scrotum? Perhaps. We all know that there should be a master of scrotum. Sadly, this job title has nothing to do with testicles or anything even close to that. The actual job sounds quite boring.

Gasateria Attendant
Sounds like someone who works in the college cafeteria and ate way too much spicy chili. Break out the Beano! This job does have something to do with gas but not the kind that comes from your intestines. There is lubricant involved but that’s only part of the job. You can even go to a technical college to train for this one.

Powder Monkey
Whitney Houston’s pet…oh no! Too soon? Unfortunately, this is not a monkey trained to handle your cocaine for you. But, this job is dangerous. You actually don’t want this job if you want your limbs intact. A Powder Monkey is essentially a drone no one cares about if they get blown up.

Smutter
Sound like something you already do but you don’t get paid for it? Unless you clean heavy machinery in your spare time, it’s likely that you won’t get paid to do what you’re already doing related to smutt. I understand there is a huge shortage of smutters so if you’re looking for a job apply now!

If these job titles aren’t terrible enough for you, you can go to the Bullshit Job Title Generator and create your own!

Dear Celebrities of the World,

Tired of being famous? Sick of having a gaggle of paparrazi following your every move, even when you have to pick your nose? Digusted with random strangers who go through your trash looking for a half-eaten corn dog or a used tissue to bronze and sleep with?

You are not alone. Many celebrities would give their super-whitened teeth to be able to visit a public bathroom without being tackled by frantic fans. Some even pay people to be their decoys so they can fart in a crowded room without being noticed. Well, if you’re Bobbie Brown you’d probably be noticed since you ate those chili cheese fries and washed it down with beer.

Even though you practically starved yourself and served way too many jalapeno poppers while you waited tables at T.G.I.Fs to get that chance at fame and fortune, you are sick and tired of it now. You just want to enjoy your gold-plated toilet in peace. Or perhaps to bathe in your piles of money without the hassle of fans begging for a sniff of your underwear. Maybe you want to visit one of your many houses but you can’t because you’re afraid the neighbors might be sleeping on your lawn to possibly catch a glimpse of one of your nostrils.

There is hope for you! Like many celebrities of yore, you can fade into obscurity. All you need to do is become overweight, old, or go insane. The only reason why you are famous now is because you are horribly good-looking, young, can string words together that make sense when you speak, and have great hair. If any of those attributes start to wane you are set! No one will care about you at all.

Now, if you don’t take my advice you could end up having to build your own city or buy your own country to get a moments peace. Don’t let this happen to you! Get fat, get old, and get crazy. It’s your only hope.

Sincerely,
Random Chick

Attention People!

Now that you have endured 24,900 days of campaigning, things are about to get serious. Soon, you will decide the fate of our nation which lies on the shoulders of one dickhead…ummm, man. Ignore all those old farts…gentlemen behind the curtain in the Senate and Congress. The President is the almighty leader of the crumbling free world!!

If you vote for the imcumbent, you will secure the doom of our society to Socialism. Or is it Muslim? No, I remember now…we’re all going to be terrorists and train for Armageddon: The Final Encounter of Doom. After all, this guy isn’t even American. He’s black. Every damn person will be entitled to healthcare. That means some jerk without a job, who has children, and they get sick…or worse they have ASTHMA, is gonna need medicine to keep them alive. You’ll have to pay for it! Yup, some government dude will come to your house wearing a dark suit and dark glasses. He’ll turn you upside down, hold you by the ankles and shake every last nickel from your pockets. He’ll scoop them up while he gives you his evil laugh (muwah, ha haha ahaha!!). On the flip side, when you need to go to the doctor, you’ll have to fill out a form to sit in the waiting room, to have your blood pressure checked, to speak to the nurse, to sit on the examination table, to sit and wait 4,000 hours to speak to the doctor. He will come in for 3.7 seconds and make you fill out another form. Meanwhile, you are hacking up a lung (maybe some blood too) and you have a fever of 106 degrees. The doctor will send you to another waiting room full of coughing, puking, and rabid people. Then the executioner comes in (after you fill out another form) and gives you a shot in the foot (because it’s cheaper) and then you die. So make sure you think first before voting for the imcumbent. Okay?

You do have another choice because this is America. Likely, he will be the suave yet stupid candiate for the right side of the aisle. He has a dazzling smile and a great set of hair, complete with the distinguished color of Salt and Pepper Grecian Forumula for Men, No. 16. He looks fabulous behind a podium because he’s white and tall and filthy rich. A true American hero. He’s gonna make life easier for the poor. You know, those people who have to drive around used cars, shop at Walmart, and wear the same clothes over and over again. He’ll give them the left overs from his decadent feasts of quail, duck, caviar, foi gras, and champagne. He might even let them eat cake if they’d just shut up about jobs. He’ll make sure the banks don’t ever reveal how greedy, under-handed, and siniser they truly are by passing a law where everyone MUST only use credit cards to buy their goods and services with a minimum interest rate of 45%…and if anyone attempts to pay off their balance, off with their heads! If people bleed blue, they will be admitted to Harvard, Stanford, or possibly Oxford (since those Brits have blue bloods too) but if you are human and your blood runs red, you only get to choose from the University of Phoenix or the “Make-shit-for-rich-people” School of Trade. You may get healthcare coverage, you may not depending on which way the wind is blowing. Just eat your pink slime burgers and die of heart disease like the rest of Americans do each year. So make sure you think first before voting this guy. Okay?

There is a slight chance you might have another choice because this is a two-party system and we don’t know which Super PAC is going to get the most money yet. This guy has an outside chance, depending on whether God wants him to be a real candidate or not. God told him that he is the chosen one but sometimes God changes his mind. As long as we know he is a religious man, it doesn’t matter that he slaughters goats as a sacrifice to God every Tuesday or that his God hates poor people, gays, blacks, children who read Harry Potter, and kittens. They’ll all be put on trains and shipped to the gas chamber once he gets elected. He’ll have women running around plopping out babies while they look pretty, press their husband’s shirts, and make sure the curtains match the bathroom towels. Because women will be so busy tending to the homestead, they won’t have time to vote so this guy will just repeal sufferage for women, and minorities too while he’s at it. We can’t have those people thinking…geez, they might want healthcare or worse, jobs, or college degrees! But with God on his side, who shall defeat him? Maybe Snookie since she’s pregnant with the Anti-Christ but I’m sure this guy will bring the four horses of the Apocalypse and Rush Limbaugh with him to defeat the Anti-Christ…soon after he’ll write a book called, “How Rush and I Defeated the Anti-Christ,” which will become a bestseller around the world and will be translated into 42 languages. The muslims will read this and become Born Again Christians and Palistine will finally give up their fight for their homeland telling Isreal, “What were we thinking?” Unfortunately, with no healthcare coverage you will get amebic disentary which is essentially diarrhea forever and you will die. So make sure you think first before voting this guy. Okay?

On second thought…you don’t need to think much at all. Whoever you vote for, you’re going to die in the end so just use the age-old, and scientifically proven formula: ennie, meenie, miny, moe. May the odds be ever in your favor.

This phenomenon has been going on forever, since way back. Think Gone with the Wind, Uncle Tom’s Cabin, or even Oliver Twist.

A book is beautifully written and captures the attention of a generation. It changes the way we think about our world, society, or ourselves. Readers delight in the personal experience of getting to know the characters and even love them like a members of the family. Then Hollywood gets its hands on the book.

The avid reader fans have a choice at this point. They can keep their personal experience to themselves and charish it as the intimate miracle it is or they can eagerly go and see whether the Hollywood vision matches their own, or even enhances it. They may walk away with another treasured experience of their beloved book or they will be sorely disappointed that their characters or even the story has been badly bastardized.

This is where I am right now.

But let me back up a bit here. I was, and still am, among the legions of fans who was blown away by Harry Potter and his amazing world. I adored his awkwardness and bravery. I imagined him as a scruffy, nerdy, outcast who was anything but charming and clean cut. When I first saw Daniel Radcliff as Harry, I thought, “This guy is way too cute to be Harry.” Then I swore on a stack of bibles that I would NEVER set foot in a theater and give up my $11.00 to see this imposter portray my dorky vision of Harry. Still to this day, I have not paid to see a Harry Potter movie. That being said, I did catch a few scenes of one of the movies and actually thought Daniel Radcliff did a pretty good job…but he still wasn’t nerdy enough for me.

Then there was the Twilight saga. I ripped through all four books in two weeks. I couldn’t get enough of Bella, Edward, and Jacob…and even the Volturi. When I saw that Kristen Stewart was playing Bella, I HAD to see it! She perfectly matched my image of Bella and so did Robert Pattison as Edward. Jacob…well, Taylor Lautner was okay kinda short but he would do. I was on Team Edward anyway so that wasn’t as big a deal to me. The movies were AWESOME! I can’t wait to see the second part of Breaking Dawn.

Now, there are The Hunger Games. Another story I just love as well as the heroine. Katniss Everdeen is the kind of role model we can all relate to. Someone who was born into a challenging life at the bottom of the social heriarchy in her society and thrown circumstances that would make anyone want to roll over a die. Yet, she continues to face these surmounting obstacles and inspires people through her actions. I love her. Jennifer Lawrence perfectly matches what I imagined Katniss to be…so, the question is: do I see it and the other movies that will follow or not?

Maybe.

This is where I would make you laugh so hard you would spit your coffee, tea, or vodka all over the computer screen. You would be laughing so hard that you’d fall off of whatever you were sitting on (I would not judge you if you were sitting on a duck, really). You would roll on the floor and accidentally knock the lamp onto the cat who was sitting all nestled up on top of old newspapers. The cat would yowl and your neighbor would be concerned that someone was being murdered with a butter knife and she would call 911 because Judge Judy is so boring today that she has to create a white trash drama of her very own. You would still be laughing so hard from reading this blog post that you wouldn’t have heard the cat or the knock at the door. The EMTs, afraid that you were dying, would bust down your door. The cat, scared out of its wits, would trample across your face leaving scratch marks that you would not notice because you are still in a guffaw-fit stupor from the hilarity of this blog post. You have since peed your pants because you drank too much coffee, tea, or/and vodka and you are still laughing your f*cking @ss off. The EMTs see you rolling on the floor, face scratched up, in a puddle of your own urine. Immediately, one of the deliciously hot EMT dudes gives you mouth-to-mouth resuscitation but you cannot help yourself…you keep on laughing. The EMTs decide that there is nothing they can do so they leave. Soon your children enter the room and find you laughing on the floor. They see that you are busy and start eating everything within their reach that is made out of sugar. In a sugar-induced state of hysteria, your children run around the house with scissors in hands, go outside without their coats on, forget to wipe their crusty noses, sneeze without covering their mouths, watch 7.2 hours of SpongeBob Squarepants, and eat food that has been on the floor for longer than 5 seconds. Miraculously, they are still alive despite everything your mother, your grandmother, your great-grandmother, and your mother-in-law has told you about rearing children. Once the children have passed out from their sugar low, your spouse walks in and sees you laughing your @ss off on the floor then quickly walks away thinking it is “that time of the month.” The cat is gone, the children are gone, and your spouse is gone. You are alone. You stop laughing. This is the first time in 12,357 days that you have had time to yourself, alone. You don’t even get time alone when you pee. Then, you bookmark this blog post so you can use it again to get time to yourself.

You’re welcome.

 Monkey farts!

Okay, you didn’t actually think I was going to be serious did you? Well, I am going to get seriously pumped up to market the crap out of my book. What? You didn’t know about my book?

Let me enlighten you.

CONTEST TIME!
If you complete this short poll, you could win a FREE copy of my book. Stupid Poetry: The Ultimate Collection of Sublime and Ridiculous Poem…a perfect Mother’s Day gift!! I’ll be giving away THREE books so your chances are good because I might only get THREE responses to this poll!

Go HERE: Social Media Madness Survey by Random Chick

I will attempt to chronicle my journey into marketing the crap out of my self-published book here on my blog. Maybe you’ll learn something from me, or you’ll hurl. Either way it will be cleansing no doubt.

Thank you for your time!!